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Strange Morals (The Compliation) |
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Strange Morals (The Compliation)
Short
 Created on 12-5-06
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 Story Rating G
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In the land of Nit a group of thieves passed under a low passageway and entered what was their makeshift hideout. This particular hideout was in a large cavern, north of a large city. The thieves apparently had just returned from a raid, for they carried bags of gold on their backs. To celebrate their good fortune, they started cooking a feast fit for... thieves. (Hey, what'd you expect?) They were all cheery and hit the alcohol hard, and were soon in a brawl that started when one accused another about being a thief. (Go figure.) This brawl led to shaking the walls, which led to injured hands, which led to shouts of pain, which led to cursing, which led to the local lawmen finding them, which led to the thieves' slaughter, which led to the lawmen's gaining the gold, which led to them getting drunk in celebration, which led them to fall asleep in the cavern. Little did they know that the cave was going to collapse and kill them in their sleep.
Moral: Don't get drunk in a thieves' hideout.
Somewhere else in the land of Nit...
"Dang mule! Why can't you move any faster!!!"
These were the cries of an angry farmer who was trying to get his goods to the market before they spoiled. He wasn't having much luck. As a matter of fact, he was having no luck whatsoever, and half of his produce was already rotting, and what wasn't rotting was covered with maggots laid by the flies that came to inspect the noxious fumes emanating from the farmer's mules' hindquarters. The mule just rolled his eyes at the farmer, who proceeded in getting between the mule and the wagon, in order to push the mule.
"Don't just stand there! Do something!!!"
The mule obeyed. Not in the way the farmer was hoping for, but he obeyed. The mule, with a groan, sat on the farmer.
"Get off me you [Expletive deleted] mule! Get your [Expletive deleted] off me!!"
The mule didn't comply. Fortunately for the farmer, a lone figure happened to come over the crest of a nearby hill.
"Hey! Can you help me out here?"
"Sure. What can I do for you?"
The farmer just laid there for a minute, trying to understand if he had heard the person, who had turned out to be a paladin, correctly. After a while, he realized he had.
"Get this [Expletive deleted] mule off me!"
"Well, with language like that, there's little wonder he sat on you in the first place. I suggest trying to ask nicely."
The farmer blanched.
"Huh?"
"You know, asking politely?"
This remark led the farmer to stare at the paladin.
"If you think it'll work, you try."
"Don't mind if I do."
The paladin turned to the mule and started trying to reason with him, and the mule just stared at the paladin. The farmer became bored of this and managed to get a cigar out of his pocket.
"All I'm saying is that if you cooperate with him, he'll be a lot nicer to you."
The mule continued staring, and the farmer lit his cigar.
"At least give it a try. What harm could it do?"
The mule was still staring, and even drooling a little.
"No, I don't think you should do that."
The mule still stared and drooled.
"You'd get in serious trouble if you did."
More staring/drooling.
"Please reconsider."
The donkey looked away, watching a bird fly past.
"At least hold off on that until you let him out from under you."
The strand of drool touched the ground.
"Fine. I'll be going then."
"Hey! Where you goin'?"
"Back to town."
"How come?"
"Your mule refuses to see it from any point of view."
"[Expletive deleted] mule."
"I'll be going along then."
The paladin left the farmer under the mule, and was last seen going back over the ridge from whence he came. Suddenly, a roar came from the front of the cart, which was somehow linked with the farmer's wife finding a charred cart filled with blackened, rotten fruit, and two smoking corpses.
Moral: When being sat on by a mule that doesn't like you, don't smoke.
Again in the land of Nit, there was a group of people that claimed to be psychics. They seemed to be able to foretell the future, and they never were asked a question they couldn't answer. It just so happened that they were walking along and bumped into an orc. The orc proceeded to eat them, and the psychics were never seen again.
Moral: When you're a psychic, try telling your own future for a change.
Elsewhere in the land of Nit, some hunters were riding along, trying to hunt down a legendary beast. They had vowed they wouldn't return until they had caught it. Well, it just so happened that they were never seen again.
Moral: Don't try to hunt down a legendary beast. Chances are, they don't exist. That's what makes them legendary.
At another part of the land of Nit, there was a huge party being held for the large harvest that they were about to gather. Bands came to play at the party, the partiers played all sorts of games, and there was also a large cake at the party. After the party was over, though, some of the people decided to go out and smoke. They were finishing their first cigarettes, and decided to throw them on the ground. If only they had realized that they were in the field that the crops were grown in, and that the crops were dry, due to it being near the end of summer.
Moral: When you want to have a large harvest, don't burn it down.
Still at a separate part of the land of Nit, some people had moved into the city for the first time. This was obviously a new experience for them, because they were amazed at the size of the buildings. They would have had someone take their picture next to one of the buildings, if it weren't for a few things. 1) This just so happened to be an orc city, 2) they weren't orcs, 3) whatever species they were (I have no idea what they were), they must taste good to orcs, and 4) cameras weren't invented yet.
Moral: When you want your picture taken, make sure that cameras are invented already and don't ask an orc to take the picture.
In the land of Nit, somewhere close to the border of the land of Nori, some people were out camping in the woods. They had just set up their campsite, when one of them went toward the stream to swim. The others warned him not to go, saying that there's a monster in the stream. The guy didn't listen and went to the river and never came back. Another of the campers became worried about him, and went to check on him, and never came back. Several more went and didn't come back, until there was just one left. Before preparing to look for them, he got one of the other camper's weapons, and nervously went to the stream. He didn't see anything in the stream, so he went right up to the riverbank. He was just about to step in when he heard a twig break behind him. In a flash, he turned around and fired, only to his horror, he shot the other campers, who had been trying to sneak up on him.
Moral: Don't try to scare someone with a gun. You'll end up resembling Swiss cheese.
In the royal palace in the land of Nit, the king was having a huge banquet. There were all sorts of party goers, lords, ladies, dukes, duchesses, other nobles, and, of course, the entertainers. The entertainers were doing a wonderful job doing their act, and the party lasted late into the night. Until it came to a horrible end when one of the jesters tried to do a back flip and ended up knocking over the table at which the king was seated. The king ordered for the entertainers to all be killed as a result of this outrage.
Moral: When you're a band of entertainers performing for a king, don't let the klutz near the king's table.
Once again, in the land of Nit, this time near the border of the land of Leets, there was a happy little couple, who each had rosy cheeks and lived on a happy little farm, in a happy little county. It just so happened that this happy little couple decided to take a trip into the nearest town. When this happy little couple got to the town, they didn't want to be run over in the street, so they walked along the sidewalk. This happy little couple went to see all the sights of the town, such as the tavern, the general store, the smithy, and even the livestock barn. It was at this livestock barn, which just so happened to be named "Bob's Barn of Big Bulls", that they met their unfortunate end.
Moral: Bulls hate rosy colors.
Somewhere in the land of Nit, some people were gathered to have a barbeque. Well, it just so happened that they were out of lighter fluid, so they sent someone to go find some. This person searched and searched, until he found someone who hadn't gone to the barbeque. He asked the person if he had some lighter fluid, and, in turn, was asked who would light the fire. After he had responded, he realized that he was talking to the most hateful man in town. Just when he was about to give up on the lighter fluid, the man actually gave him some. So he headed back to the barbeque and poured the lighter fluid into the grill. When the fire was lit, the only person in the town was the old man, who adjusted the sign to say "Barbequesvill, Population: 1" when he heard a fairly loud noise.
Moral: When out of lighter fluid, do not ask a hateful guy for some. Chances are, you won't get what you asked for.
Again in the land of Nit, there was a little town that was several miles away from the next town over. On the edge of town, there was a dog, which seemed to have an unlimited supply of meat. Every few days, he'd be seen with a large chunk of meat, and when he finished it, he'd chew on the bones for a while. Well, it just so happened that a starving traveler, who had been on the road for several days, saw the dog with the meat. So the traveler, thinking he could get away with it, took the chunk of meat. Needless to say, although I'll say it anyway, a scuffle ensued. A few days later, another starving traveler came into town and saw the dog with a chunk of meat. And so the story continued without end.
Moral: Don't take a dog's food or you'll become it.
Also in the land of Nit, there was a dungeon, which involved a large, cubic room. A knight was about to attempt to cross this room. However, the room was set up so that spikes could come out of the floor, walls, and ceiling, impaling anything unfortunate enough to be in the room when a timer went off. One good thing about the room was that the timer was out in the open, and all that was needed to stop the trap was to destroy the timer. The knight had located the timer, so all he had to do to cross the room safely was destroy the timer. The knight's only weapon was a sword, so he had to get close, or else it wouldn't matter. He ran as fast as he could with his sword drawn, but tripped and accidentally cut his leg with his sword. Just then, the timer went off.
Moral: Don't run with, under, above, between, behind, or ahead of, sharp objects.
Yet again, in the Land of Nit, there was a man who decided to rob a bank. He had the plan all ready for action, and went ahead with it. The plan was almost perfect. He charged into the bank, while wearing a mask so that no one would recognize him, pulled a crossbow on the teller (hey, guns are hard to come by in the Land of Nit), and yelled for him to put all the money in a bag, which the robber happened to have left at home. Realizing this, as the teller asked what bag he was talking about, he had the teller get one. The robber new he was going to make it when the teller came back with a large paper bag filled with money. Up until that point, the plan was definitely going great. He then heard the guards coming, and bolted out the door. He streaked across the street toward his getaway donkey so that the guards would never catch him. He never made it to the donkey.
Moral: Look both ways before crossing the street
Yet again, in the Land of Nit, there was another man who decided to rob the bank. He also had his plan all ready for action, and also went ahead with it. This plan was almost perfect, just like the previous one. He, like the other guy, charged into the bank, while wearing a mask so that no one would recognize him either, pulled another crossbow on the teller, and yelled for her (the previous teller was fired after the previous robbery) to put all the money in a bag, which he had remembered to bring. The teller just sat there, looking at him. He fired.
Moral: Don't shoot at bullet-, uh, arrow-proof glass when in range of the rebound.
Moral: Don't get drunk in a thieves' hideout.
Somewhere else in the land of Nit...
"Dang mule! Why can't you move any faster!!!"
These were the cries of an angry farmer who was trying to get his goods to the market before they spoiled. He wasn't having much luck. As a matter of fact, he was having no luck whatsoever, and half of his produce was already rotting, and what wasn't rotting was covered with maggots laid by the flies that came to inspect the noxious fumes emanating from the farmer's mules' hindquarters. The mule just rolled his eyes at the farmer, who proceeded in getting between the mule and the wagon, in order to push the mule.
"Don't just stand there! Do something!!!"
The mule obeyed. Not in the way the farmer was hoping for, but he obeyed. The mule, with a groan, sat on the farmer.
"Get off me you [Expletive deleted] mule! Get your [Expletive deleted] off me!!"
The mule didn't comply. Fortunately for the farmer, a lone figure happened to come over the crest of a nearby hill.
"Hey! Can you help me out here?"
"Sure. What can I do for you?"
The farmer just laid there for a minute, trying to understand if he had heard the person, who had turned out to be a paladin, correctly. After a while, he realized he had.
"Get this [Expletive deleted] mule off me!"
"Well, with language like that, there's little wonder he sat on you in the first place. I suggest trying to ask nicely."
The farmer blanched.
"Huh?"
"You know, asking politely?"
This remark led the farmer to stare at the paladin.
"If you think it'll work, you try."
"Don't mind if I do."
The paladin turned to the mule and started trying to reason with him, and the mule just stared at the paladin. The farmer became bored of this and managed to get a cigar out of his pocket.
"All I'm saying is that if you cooperate with him, he'll be a lot nicer to you."
The mule continued staring, and the farmer lit his cigar.
"At least give it a try. What harm could it do?"
The mule was still staring, and even drooling a little.
"No, I don't think you should do that."
The mule still stared and drooled.
"You'd get in serious trouble if you did."
More staring/drooling.
"Please reconsider."
The donkey looked away, watching a bird fly past.
"At least hold off on that until you let him out from under you."
The strand of drool touched the ground.
"Fine. I'll be going then."
"Hey! Where you goin'?"
"Back to town."
"How come?"
"Your mule refuses to see it from any point of view."
"[Expletive deleted] mule."
"I'll be going along then."
The paladin left the farmer under the mule, and was last seen going back over the ridge from whence he came. Suddenly, a roar came from the front of the cart, which was somehow linked with the farmer's wife finding a charred cart filled with blackened, rotten fruit, and two smoking corpses.
Moral: When being sat on by a mule that doesn't like you, don't smoke.
Again in the land of Nit, there was a group of people that claimed to be psychics. They seemed to be able to foretell the future, and they never were asked a question they couldn't answer. It just so happened that they were walking along and bumped into an orc. The orc proceeded to eat them, and the psychics were never seen again.
Moral: When you're a psychic, try telling your own future for a change.
Elsewhere in the land of Nit, some hunters were riding along, trying to hunt down a legendary beast. They had vowed they wouldn't return until they had caught it. Well, it just so happened that they were never seen again.
Moral: Don't try to hunt down a legendary beast. Chances are, they don't exist. That's what makes them legendary.
At another part of the land of Nit, there was a huge party being held for the large harvest that they were about to gather. Bands came to play at the party, the partiers played all sorts of games, and there was also a large cake at the party. After the party was over, though, some of the people decided to go out and smoke. They were finishing their first cigarettes, and decided to throw them on the ground. If only they had realized that they were in the field that the crops were grown in, and that the crops were dry, due to it being near the end of summer.
Moral: When you want to have a large harvest, don't burn it down.
Still at a separate part of the land of Nit, some people had moved into the city for the first time. This was obviously a new experience for them, because they were amazed at the size of the buildings. They would have had someone take their picture next to one of the buildings, if it weren't for a few things. 1) This just so happened to be an orc city, 2) they weren't orcs, 3) whatever species they were (I have no idea what they were), they must taste good to orcs, and 4) cameras weren't invented yet.
Moral: When you want your picture taken, make sure that cameras are invented already and don't ask an orc to take the picture.
In the land of Nit, somewhere close to the border of the land of Nori, some people were out camping in the woods. They had just set up their campsite, when one of them went toward the stream to swim. The others warned him not to go, saying that there's a monster in the stream. The guy didn't listen and went to the river and never came back. Another of the campers became worried about him, and went to check on him, and never came back. Several more went and didn't come back, until there was just one left. Before preparing to look for them, he got one of the other camper's weapons, and nervously went to the stream. He didn't see anything in the stream, so he went right up to the riverbank. He was just about to step in when he heard a twig break behind him. In a flash, he turned around and fired, only to his horror, he shot the other campers, who had been trying to sneak up on him.
Moral: Don't try to scare someone with a gun. You'll end up resembling Swiss cheese.
In the royal palace in the land of Nit, the king was having a huge banquet. There were all sorts of party goers, lords, ladies, dukes, duchesses, other nobles, and, of course, the entertainers. The entertainers were doing a wonderful job doing their act, and the party lasted late into the night. Until it came to a horrible end when one of the jesters tried to do a back flip and ended up knocking over the table at which the king was seated. The king ordered for the entertainers to all be killed as a result of this outrage.
Moral: When you're a band of entertainers performing for a king, don't let the klutz near the king's table.
Once again, in the land of Nit, this time near the border of the land of Leets, there was a happy little couple, who each had rosy cheeks and lived on a happy little farm, in a happy little county. It just so happened that this happy little couple decided to take a trip into the nearest town. When this happy little couple got to the town, they didn't want to be run over in the street, so they walked along the sidewalk. This happy little couple went to see all the sights of the town, such as the tavern, the general store, the smithy, and even the livestock barn. It was at this livestock barn, which just so happened to be named "Bob's Barn of Big Bulls", that they met their unfortunate end.
Moral: Bulls hate rosy colors.
Somewhere in the land of Nit, some people were gathered to have a barbeque. Well, it just so happened that they were out of lighter fluid, so they sent someone to go find some. This person searched and searched, until he found someone who hadn't gone to the barbeque. He asked the person if he had some lighter fluid, and, in turn, was asked who would light the fire. After he had responded, he realized that he was talking to the most hateful man in town. Just when he was about to give up on the lighter fluid, the man actually gave him some. So he headed back to the barbeque and poured the lighter fluid into the grill. When the fire was lit, the only person in the town was the old man, who adjusted the sign to say "Barbequesvill, Population: 1" when he heard a fairly loud noise.
Moral: When out of lighter fluid, do not ask a hateful guy for some. Chances are, you won't get what you asked for.
Again in the land of Nit, there was a little town that was several miles away from the next town over. On the edge of town, there was a dog, which seemed to have an unlimited supply of meat. Every few days, he'd be seen with a large chunk of meat, and when he finished it, he'd chew on the bones for a while. Well, it just so happened that a starving traveler, who had been on the road for several days, saw the dog with the meat. So the traveler, thinking he could get away with it, took the chunk of meat. Needless to say, although I'll say it anyway, a scuffle ensued. A few days later, another starving traveler came into town and saw the dog with a chunk of meat. And so the story continued without end.
Moral: Don't take a dog's food or you'll become it.
Also in the land of Nit, there was a dungeon, which involved a large, cubic room. A knight was about to attempt to cross this room. However, the room was set up so that spikes could come out of the floor, walls, and ceiling, impaling anything unfortunate enough to be in the room when a timer went off. One good thing about the room was that the timer was out in the open, and all that was needed to stop the trap was to destroy the timer. The knight had located the timer, so all he had to do to cross the room safely was destroy the timer. The knight's only weapon was a sword, so he had to get close, or else it wouldn't matter. He ran as fast as he could with his sword drawn, but tripped and accidentally cut his leg with his sword. Just then, the timer went off.
Moral: Don't run with, under, above, between, behind, or ahead of, sharp objects.
Yet again, in the Land of Nit, there was a man who decided to rob a bank. He had the plan all ready for action, and went ahead with it. The plan was almost perfect. He charged into the bank, while wearing a mask so that no one would recognize him, pulled a crossbow on the teller (hey, guns are hard to come by in the Land of Nit), and yelled for him to put all the money in a bag, which the robber happened to have left at home. Realizing this, as the teller asked what bag he was talking about, he had the teller get one. The robber new he was going to make it when the teller came back with a large paper bag filled with money. Up until that point, the plan was definitely going great. He then heard the guards coming, and bolted out the door. He streaked across the street toward his getaway donkey so that the guards would never catch him. He never made it to the donkey.
Moral: Look both ways before crossing the street
Yet again, in the Land of Nit, there was another man who decided to rob the bank. He also had his plan all ready for action, and also went ahead with it. This plan was almost perfect, just like the previous one. He, like the other guy, charged into the bank, while wearing a mask so that no one would recognize him either, pulled another crossbow on the teller, and yelled for her (the previous teller was fired after the previous robbery) to put all the money in a bag, which he had remembered to bring. The teller just sat there, looking at him. He fired.
Moral: Don't shoot at bullet-, uh, arrow-proof glass when in range of the rebound.
Comments
Please Login to post comments| On June 30th 2007 johntyrel Said : | |
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very entertaining |
| On March 18th 2007 assoftassilk Said : | |
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LOL, these are good keep it up! |
| On January 25th 2007 ravenbleau Said : | |
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This was great and funny!! I really liked it ^.^ |
| On January 20th 2007 ralicia Said : | |
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Pretty funny esp the last two and the one about the campers! |
| On January 19th 2007 Ekahnicole Said : | |
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hilarious :] |
| On January 1st 2007 JenMoe Said : | |
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Haha, I really like these. They made me laugh. Keep it up. |
| On December 12th 2006 brandyrude Said : | |
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teehee |
| On December 9th 2006 quaizzi Said : | |
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Those are funny, As a kid I used to fire my beebeegun in my back yard at cans, I lined the cans along the fence with had a thick pice of wood attached to it, I used to get hit by the richochet all the time, and for the longest time I thought I was getting bit by mosquitos. That last story reminded me of that |
| On December 7th 2006 jfreak3 Said : | |
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ha ha ha. These are really funny and entertaining. Keep it up! |
