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Mom,When I was 8 and we were on the way to Astroworld you dropped to the floor, The doorway to our hallway, The place when now, i swear that everytime i walk by, the ground feels cold. When the loud blare of the sirens whizzed by and shreeched to a halt, it all sounding like buzzing in my ears. I was trying to make a deal with God, Dad thought it would not be a good idea to allow me to go to the hospital, so I went down the street to play in the pool. It still sickens me today when I remember having fun at that pool, and what people thought is that i was disconnected to my emotions. But in truth I had no idea that, 2 hours later I would be called home to find Dad waiting for me, to tell me you had "passed away". Now everybody is crying but me and your other children, we don't cry at all, we sink into the couch and stare at the wall.  Now everybody thinks we are all disconnected to our emotions, me, Jacob and Joshua. But what everyone else didn't know is that secretly I would cry myself to sleep, and still do. Or that Jacob now searches for the very meaning of life, fasting and has dedicated himself to over 5 religions. Or that joshua, will absolutley never be the same and his awkwardness haunts him, as i foreshadow, will never be happy again. I named my daughter after you for another name could never sound so beautiful as the name of Gwen, and she is very proud of it. and so am I.I told dad when i was pregnant what i was naming the baby if it happened to be female. He told me i didn't have to name her that for his benifit. What he didn't realize that the name was for mine Sometimes i think of the days when you looked at me in such a way that you knew at that very moment i grew up just a little bit, and i see that look now, through my eyes when i look at my daughter, and i wanted you to know that, that is the most beautiful thing i have ever witnessed. Because If i can be even 1/10 the woman you were my life is so complete i could die now with no regret. We buried you without a tombstone just like you asked, and one time i got a map to find where you were buried, but i did not visit, because thats what you wanted.

Dad, after mom died you were my absolute enemy. You had no idea what you were doing with the three of us, and you hurt us often. I used to fear you, afraid of making a bad grade in school because you would hit me, afraid to fall asleep because you would hit me, afraid to tell you i didn't want to eat meat because you would hit me, and you did over and over again. The police came to the house when a neighbor saw the marks you left on my face. I told them i did not want to be taken away, i said i was frustrated not afraid, i lied. You were a powerful man, and your slaps stung, your hits bruised and worst of all the words you used to harm me dealt the most powerful blow. You used to call my name in such a way that it struck fear even into my friends. For being such a big man you sure did move swiftly enough to catch me by surprise and for that reason i fantasized that one day your legs would no longer work. One day you never came home to pick me up for work, i was 15, the hospital contacted me and you were there unconscience after coughing up[ blood all day. I went there to find you had awoken, there was a light in your eyes i cannot explain even now. a month later the tests came back and said you had cancer, we all mulled over it, all night. The doctors gave you 3 years to live. 1 year passed and i heard you call me from another room, when i came in the room you found it hard to get out of bed. while i was helping you you urinated all over the bed, floor and me. You then started crying for the first time in my presence. It was this moment that everything you had ever done was forgiven, and your weakness changed my life forever.  A month or so later you went to work, sat down and by the end of the day found that you could not stand up. Apparantly the cancer was gone but the radiation therapy gave you a nerve disease that paralyzed you forever. You stayed a year in the hospital, and in that entire time i did not visit, I was so strung out on drugs i completely abandoned you, until christmas day, when i finally did visit- sobor-. i watched you spew puss and blood through a hole in your neck when you tried to gasp for air or talk to me. i vowed then to visit you more often but before i knew it you were home. Eventually you and I became very good friends, after all the borrowed money and the 2 days a week i would spend with you. my daughter loved you but was sorta afraid of the wheelchair because of that time you rolled over her foot by accident, but she would often feed you. You always called her by my name, i guess because calling her by mom's name was too hard, or that she looks just like i did as a baby. You developed a bed sore that eventually intoxicated you to the point that you were vomiting. For some reason the button you can push to raise the head of your "special bed" did not work and you choked on your own vomit. the day mom dies i tried to make a deal with god, i made no such deals with god on the day you died. Driving over i knew the effort was useless, i felt you die. I saw you mthat day and the only comfort i have on this subject is that my last words to you were " i love you". When awaiting the news at the hospital of your death i held your granddaughter tightly. Upon hearing you were gone to all who might have cared to make judgement would have thought i was devoid of sentiment, "disconnected to emotions", but to anyone who cared to stay around to see me that night, saw me crouch next to the deflated air bed (that malfuntioned causing your death) sobbing and slobbering on the carpet, unreachable.even though that the memory of you being able to walk haunts me, with how you were as a mobile man, i still wanted to bury you standing up. The next day we discovered that your will held alot of money for all of, very nice of you to do, but very cruel for us, every penny spent is a constant reminder that as jacob puts it "we got jipped" jipped by god.