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The Haunted Country Club Chap. 2
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The Haunted Country Club Chap.1 (part 3)
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The Haunted Country club Chap.1 (Part 2)
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The Haunted Country Club Chap. 1 (Part 1)
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Midways' Many Ghosts

The Haunted Country club Chap.1 (Part 2)

Horror Created on 4-27-07 Views(77) Story Rating G

     "All the men stood there obviously scared shitless (how the reporter put it).  One of the reporter's friends, a police deputy, reached for the note when a horrible scream errupted through the building.  The deputy grabbed the camera and note and they ran out of the country club.  They didn't stop until they were outside the gates.  The deputy gave the camera and note to the reporter who then lept into his car and drove to the newspaper office.  he developed the pictures but was shocked to find all the pictures were blank.  He stood there shell-shocked trying to figure out why there wasn't any pictures.  He remembered the note and hurried to his car.  He found the note.  All it said was 'I don't like my picture taken, sir'.  No signature, no name. Thats when the rumors began that the country club was haunted." Nadia finished her story as the rest of us began to clean up the table.

     "I still can't believe that half the class backed out of this contest." Brandon said.  There were thirty-five kids in my class.  Only five joined the contest."No, wait more than half the class backed out."

     "You know ther all petrified of the club by what their relatives told them," Chelsea said,"They don't want anything to do with that building."  Chelsea is a brunnette with the blackest eyes you have ever seen.  She's the gothic in the class.  The one and only.

     "All right, Jackson, tell us the overlay of the country club." I said as we sat down.  Jackson was the class nerd.  He was a tall brown eyed, blonde haired geek. "And please say it in english. So we'll understand.

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On May 3rd 2007 Qurmudjin Said :
Qurmudjin You are doing a great job at maintaining the active voice. Try to break up those long, expository quotes with some action. I agree with onaipwolf that you have to give us more reason why Chelsea is a goth and Jackson is the nerd, and not simply rely on the labels. I also wonder why this particular class is more afraid than previous classes who participated in the contest. Wouldn't the parents of previous students have told their kids the same stories?
On April 27th 2007 onaipwolf Said :
onaipwolf It's pretty good, but a really short chapter. I would suggest coupling it with one of your other chapters. Also, perhaps instead of relying on the stereotypes of 'goth' and 'nerd', you could just describe what they look like. The reader should be able to then get the hint without you spelling it out.
On April 27th 2007 1luv1hartbrek Said :
1luv1hartbrek Please tell me what you think. I like all the comments I can get.