Relationship Quotes And Jokes

"Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man that I want my children to spend their weekends with?"

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

-- Steve Martin

Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything else in the house.

-- Jean Kerr

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.

-- Joan Rivers

When a relationship goes flat, so does a couple of sets of car tires.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?

-- Bette Midler

What Happens When You Fall In Love With..

A chef? (You get buttered up.)

A chauffeur
? (You get taken for a ride.)

A gambler? (He cheats on you.)

A telephone operator? (He gives you a phone-y line.)

A trashman? (He dumps you.)

A clockmaker? (He two-times you.)

A pastry cook? (He desserts you.)

A shoe salesman? (He walks all over you.)

An elevator operator? (He lets you down.)

An artist? (He gives you the brush.)

A jogger? (He gives you the run-around.)

His & Hers Road Trips

HERS

1. Pulls off at wrong exit.

2. Opens window.

3. Asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer.

4. Arrives at destination presently.

HIS

1. Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.

2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.

3. Drives an extra five miles just in case.

4. Finally rolls down window.

5. Hocks a loogie.

6. Pulls up to a 7-Eleven.

7. Gets three hot dogs, a large Slurpee and beef jerky.

8. Asks foreigner behind counter how to get back onto the highway.

9. Gets back into car.

10. Farts.

11. After he closes the door.

12. Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-Eleven.

13. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because the pimply 17-year-old 7-Eleven cashier said it was.

14. Almost hits a deer.

15. Curses the night.

16. Curses you.

17. Curses the large Slurpee.

18. Stops by the side of the road.

19 Takes a leak.

20. Still taking a leak.

21. Almost done.

22. I think.

23. Returns to car.

24. Drives and fiddles with radio.

25. Yells at you for suggesting the map again.

26. Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway.

27. He hates your sister.

28. Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel.

29. He had to look up pernicious.

30. Couldn't find a dictionary.

31. Finally found a dictionary.

32. Couldn't spell pernicious.

33. Seethes at the memory of it all.

34. But she is laughing inside.

35. And of course you're still lost.

Love is grand... Divorce is 80 grand.

Stupid pick up line! lol.

How much does a polar bear weigh? [I don't know, how much?] Just enough to break the ice. Hi my name is ____.