|
Okay so I got this really cool bulletin from Angie (a friend of mine) and I want to share it with you...and go into some extra details LOL some things that others should watch out for LOL!!
Communications majors should know that drunk dialing has a fascinating history. It all began with the postal service, when drunkenly written letters were being delivered across the big blue ocean. Eventually there was a great deal of incomprehensible tapping going on through morse code, "The lazy dog got it up butt from the fox." (I hope some of you got that one.) And finally, the most convenient form of communication for the eternally wasted, the telephone. I'm sure Alexander Graham Bell would be proud to know his invention had forever changed the way the drunk communicate with the sober.
You know why girls always want to see your cell phone? They want to know whose numbers are saved in your mobile. You may see them ooohing and ahhing at the colored screen and hear them claiming to be looking for games, but what they're really doing is going through your history of outgoing and incoming calls. Then they proceed to scroll through everyone in your personal directory silently but in their minds saying, "Hmmm, slut, slut, slut, slut, guy, guy, slut, guy, home, slut, slut, guy, slut, guy, guy, slut, mom, slut."
What I don't understand though, is how someone can remember a phone number piss drunk, be able to dial it and carry on a conversation, but can't remember sharing intimate stories of their youth along with their entire sexual history the next day. That's why there ought to be designated dialers. There are already designated drivers, so why not assign a designated dialer early in the night to handle all your calls too? "Hello this is Jan, I'm calling on behalf of Rachael, she is to wasted to speak to you personally right now, but she says hi and ends her love for you."
Designated dialers would be responsible for preventing drunks from pushing buttons on their phone, and if necessary, for literally breaking your hands off to prevent the following situations:
~Rules of Drunk Dialing:~
1. Only drunk dial when you are drunk. Everything else is false advertisement.
2.It is okay to call someone 27 times in one night. If you don't remember it, it didn't happen.
3.If you are going to drunk dial a family member, say something nice. Ex.
"Mom I'm in McDonald's and they're playing our song. I love you"
Guys have the tendency to be illiterate when drunk and don't always recognize the vast difference between calling, "Megan Home" and "Megan Cell." If you have your girlfriend's home number in there you're clearly in some sort of serious to semi-serious relationship. Calling up her home number wasted will remedy that promptly. I dated this one guy who left a slurred message on my parent's machine at 3 in the morning. "Hey I am looking for Simonne. (3 minute pause) Is she there? (Dead air) Well I would like to leave a message then. (Silence) Okay thank you. (Click)" Had it not have been for his easily identifiable voice I could have gotten away with saying it was one of my guy friends and not the well dressed, alcohol-ignoring individual at my grandma's 80th surprise party.
4.Dirty talk while drunk dialing is always preferred. Who doesn't want to hear your best raspy, phone sex voice at 3 in the A.M. asking to bend them over something?
5.Voicemails are always better. This way your friend can let their friends have fun at your expense for days, even weeks to come.
6.Drunk texting is alright... If you are prepared to read what you wrote the next day when you are sober.
7.It is definitely a good idea to call all of your exes and remind them that you were the best lover they've ever had and everything they know, they learned from you. This way you can sleep well at night.
"(Singing) Hi, I just called to say, I love you." And I mean it from the bottom of my inebriated heart. The ex—who is more than likely still emotionally attached—stays on the line attempting to reason with you. "You're drunk. Just drink some water, go to bed, and please call me in the morning to let me know that you've made it through the night." You slur something that sounds like a mixture of okay and yes—"yokeys"—before passing out with him still on the line yelling a bit too emotionally, "Promise? Promise you'll call me tomorrow? Please remember." Sure buddy I'll remember—when I check my outgoing call history and avoid your five voicemails.
8.You can also call this same ex and let her/him know, that you know, that he/she still loves you. Then explain to her/him that I would still love me too!
Ah yes. The biggest call you will ever make and regret in your lifetime. Ahem, it goes something like this: "Where did we go wrong? I was happy. Truly happy with you. I miss you cuddling with me! I just want someone to cuddle with!" Then as he/she begins to end this one-sided sob-fest of a conversation you begin quoting the depressing love songs you've been pathetically listening to since the breakup. "Josh. I can see clearly now, I give you take." "Take your records, take your freedom, take your memories I don't need them!" "I want to be your everything!" And by the next morning not only will you be looking for Advil, you'll be scrounging around desperately for pieces of your dignity.
P.S. You left them at the bar where you made this call. Good luck trying to find them.
9.If you are a frequent dialer, never get mad if someone dials you. Be happy they thought of you in this special time.
10.It is always a good idea to sing on someone's answering machine or voicemail. Especially a show tune.
11.Drunk dialing should be fun and light hearted or dirty and sex crazed... Never angry.
Emotional drunks are the worst kind ever. And by emotional I mean criers. The violent ones just wear themselves out fighting each other, but the saps full of crap can push through 'til dawn sobbing about their problems. "Kimmy doesn't like me anymore and I don't know why!" "The bartender gave everyone free shots but me!" "Josh hasn't called me either and it's been three days, but that doesn't matter because Zack is my true love and I let him go. Maybe I should call him!" "Don't tell anyone but I think Keanu Reeves is a great actor."
12.Most likely you will never drunk dial your best friends. They are usually the ones taking your phone away and reminding you that "you have a problem".
Unlike the emotional baggage mention in number four, the confessor must drunkenly profess and declare every dramatic thought flowing through his/her dramatic little mind. And god knows it's usually an anonymous, "Hi you don't know me but I have noticed you and wanted to tell you that I think you're beautiful and that I have secretly fallen in love with you. (Giggle giggle giggle, followed by an immediate click)" Girls are guilty of this more than guys and will be forever. Period.
So here's a quick college late-night analysis. You know you're an alcoholic if you wake up clutching a cold unopened beer can in the morning. You know you're a drunk dialer when you wake up clutching your cell phone in one hand and you're portable under your pillow. If you're doing both, well then pick a hobby. No one likes an overachiever
13.If you deleted a number sober, it was probably for a good reason. Do not try to retrieve this number. Nothing good can come from it.
14.Always call someone you know. Finding random numbers in phone books is bad and usually leads to angry dialing.
15.If your cell phone dies, remember everything happens for a reason. Never borrow a friend's phone to do your dialing.
16. Drunk dialing to foreign country is usually to costly to be a good idea. But if you feel like if you don't call this person you'll just die, brake rule 15 and use a friend's phone.
17.Drunk dialing may lead to drunk muffin stuffing.... Be prepared.
18.When dialing remember that "hanging out" at 3 in the A.M. usually doesn't involve cards, it's probably going to be more like cheap lube and handcuffs. So be prepared when you really do want to play X-box when your drunk.....
"you want me to do what with your box? Play with it?"
19.Don't drunk dial in the pool, tub, or rainstorm. It only ends up with you blow drying your phone when your far to drunk to be using electronics and you wont be able to drunk dial anymore that night.
20.Never, I repeat, never drunk dial your boss, preacher-grandpa, or friend's parents. If you are that hard up to call someone, there is an 800 number on Budweiser boxes. The person on the other line always sounds cute, plus I think they are used to drunk dialers.
This smashed individual sounds something like Johnny Depp's character in Pirates of the Caribbean—believable, but a little off his rocker. "Yes Dominoes, I'd like to order two medium pizzas please. Well I would like it delivered, but we're in a moving vehicle right now. Will that be a problem? Aaaarrrgghh."
Pushing Your Enemies Buttons
Let's face it girls, it's been happening to us since grade school. There's always someone out there you love to hate, and who loves to hate you. And since you're in college you're lucky enough to know her room phone number, possibly even her cell phone digits if you were able to go through your guy friend's directory earlier. If you're on a big campus the odds of you getting caught are slim to none. On a small campus it doesn't take much detective work to figure out who's whispering croakily on the other end. And intoxicated girls say the dumbest things like: "Hi Kimmy you don't know me, but I hear your boyfriend has a small penis. How sad for you. (Click)" Or, "Hey Kimmy, you remind me of Kimmy Gibbler from Full House—skinny, stupid and slutty. Just thought you should know. (Click)" Sure we think it's a super creative idea at the time, but you forgot to press *67 and now she has your mobile. And as the Rules of Engagement go, she now has the right to enter cellular warfare. Just be ready for a 7AM wakeup call from her heart to yours.
Just a few more rules...
Every friend is fair game unless you are on bad terms with them. Anyone in your phone list who you keep regular contact with can be hit with a drunken phone call. If you are on bad terms with someone, however, don't even think about calling them unless you want to exacerbate the situation. Never, and I mean never, call anyone who you've only talked to once two years ago because you needed to know the economics homework for that week - unless you want to be perceived as a creepy stalker.
The "do not call" or "never call" list includes family, more specifically parents, or the Department of Public Safety. Calling either of these two forbidden categories will result in very "interesting" talks the next morning. A tag-on rule to this involves calling any exes. In fact, even if you are on good terms with them, their numbers should be deleted before you take your first sip of alcohol because loosened inhibitions is a call (no pun intended) for major disaster.
Don't state the obvious. Obviously, you are intoxicated, you don't need to repeat the assumption to the person you are talking to 1,294 times. Because of the excess background music, make the conversation as short as possible, go with the flow of the talk and feel free to hang up anytime even if it's in the middle of the sentence because, after all, it's not rude if you are drunk. The person on the receiving end of the conversation can either be eagerly engaged in the phone call, showing signs of indifference or turning into an angry sleep-deprived zombie when they pick up. Be careful of what is said depending on the scenario that is presented.
|
Views 17 
Please 
