My Goodbye to my mom

I try to hide the fact that I'm not fine. I can only sit here and cry.
I hide my face in my hands, each tear burns me more than the last.
It's hard to face the fact, that my blood could die.
I miss my mom. I know she's not alright.
Her voice is weak, she's full of sorrow.
You look at her smile, and you'll see nothing wrong. You stare at her eyes, and you will never believe how heavy her burden is.
We never had a childhood together, what I would give just to sit on her lap now.
You never kissed my booboo mommy, ha, I cant remember the last time I called you that.
I can't help her.
I try to help her pick up her weight, but it just seems impossible, when she thinks your nothing worth taking the help from.
I'm nothing.
I can't help her.
You lift up her shirt, you see her scars. You feel her stomach, you can feel the staples she got. They tried to fix her, they only scared her more.
The scars are deeper than her soul now. It haunts her life.
With her husband everything seems all right. With her daughter, she feels insecure.
Why can't she just see how much she hurts me.
We never did anything together mom. We didn't share things.
Our hearts are hollow. We feel nothing else. There is something missing inside us.
I don't care if I died tonight. I think she would want that too. Placed away in a place where we'll both be happy. Now far away from life, she will finally love me. Just like I love her.
Buried down in the ashes, placed away in the caskets.
Laying together side by side. She will finally hold me tight.
Together slithered . Away from you, and away from life. Away from her burden, and away from the past.
I'm crying now. I thought my eyes were dry. I know Why im crying now, im crying for her.
I miss you mom, no matter how far you've pushed me way. My heart is breaking, please take it away. Make it yours please just stay alive. I'm fading mom. I can't seem to stay awake. Im dying mom, and the reason is you. I can't bare to see you like this, you were strong and fierce. Now what seemed like yesterday, feels like it was just a dream.
I would give anything away to see you mom. See you standing strong again. I know you can walk mom, please just try a few steps. The doctors are coming mom, to tell you everything is okay. I don't believe them, your hiding away. the medicine got a secondary effect on her, and it made it all worst
I can't stop the tears. I feel I'm nothing else. I want to sleep next to you. Make sure you are breathing okay. I know we try to stay alive, but I can't bare it no more, the pain is just to strong.
I love you mom. I don't know if this is goodbye.
I won't let go mom, I'll try to visit you at night.

Everytime i read what I wrote i cry... for her.. and for all the times we fought 
how i would give back everythign, and tell her i loved her every single moment. Instead of wishing she would die everytime she used to beat me up.

If she dies, i have nothing else left. i would really hate myself for not loving her like the way i should, and not telling her the way i felt. i would take my life, and lay next to her dead ... i want to get burried next to her like i wrote.