heartbroken

My beginning is the beginning of it all.

Leather and waves of the ocean,

On the brink of destruction and magical potions.

Turning into a beast,

The only one who got a feast,

Off the bones of the dead,

Which turned his ocean red.

Then he left this world,

Because he wanted something he couldn’t have just yet.

He wanted someone to appreciate,

And someone to appreciate him back,

For who he was because they are just the same.

He’s the same as me.

He’s wearing my jacket,

And taking a shower in my tub.

He’s using my appliances.

He’s moving my hand to do this crap.

He can write and type but he has no pencil lead left.

So he uses mine cause he trusts me over the rest,

He’s going back to what he was.

I’m just trying to find someone.

Better, maybe, smarter, not really, but in some way

Someone who will be there for me everyday.

And fill my heart with a song of joy

One I can sing for them, oh boy.

I’m losing my mind,

My leather jacket doesn’t fit me anymore.

I’m hideous and a freak,

I’m getting fatter by the day

And I need to go on a diet.

But I can’t because there’s no more green foods

I ate it all and now I’m eating live meat.

I’ve got no more tools to use except my mind

And it still won’t tell me how to find

What I’ve always wanted.

Someone to look forward to,

Someone to be able to talk to

About anything and everything that

I couldn’t tell anything else to.

So now I’m here in the corner of Broadway,

Watching the people that aren’t dead,

To find who notices me,

Because they’ve been in the dark

And they need someone to see.

And someone to put their sorrows on and mark.

Your beginning was as if some thing rotted,

Unlike mine, full of remorse and the blood stained history,

Yours had the sense and air of a girl.

Little Barbie’s and friends and talking about everything,

With your girlfriends, so oblivious to everything,

Just until a year before you met me.

You said your heart was broken and that it

Left you trembling under the bed sheets.

The guy forgot everything he ever knew about loving you,

And you said that woke you up from sleep,

The sleep that kept you drifting, from the truth

That no one can be totally trusted just like that.

A poor dolly left in the rain, the dolly with one button eye,

And part of her skirt torn.

The one with a sown heart on the front

And strawberry gold hair made of twine.

Flat legs that showed red and white stockings

And little buckle shoes,

That were so popular when you were young.

Now you wear my shoes, the ones I gave you,

But I’m pretty sure everything of mine you threw away into

Your empty and small closet which was clustered with make-up art.

Yet you were so crafty that you

caught my eye when I passed you by.

Now I’m caught in a trap

That never meant anything,

Or at least to you ,

It was just nothing.

I found the sorrow

I tried to forget,

Long ago,

When we met.

Your life was not as easy as mine

Or at least that’s the way I unraveled it

Until I actually was part of your life

And even you saw how easy it was

It was almost too easy but back then,

Heck, even before then you still had anxiety

About not only me, but every other male on the planet

And I tried to be there for you as often as I could

I complained and so did you

But you never tried to hurt me for it

At least, you didn’t try to repeat your past

As far as I could see

You tried so hard to forget about your past

You put me with its burden and I shoved it in the closet.

And so started the time to change,

The time to start.

The time to go,

Into a shopping mart

Where the doors close

On the end of the world.

Where we were left alone almost

Too long, unfurled.

I can’t say I didn’t think,

But I can’t say you weren’t

There for me but it

Hurt for me to put it

Back in its place,

When I never needed

A world that could decay

Or even couldn’t,

Stop my heart from

Beating another line,

Down the middle,

On the inside.

No wonder I’m like this.

It’s you that it is.

Green egg’s and ham,

Taste horrible, like piss.

But before with you,

Anything was amazing,

Even the troubles we went through.

I will always miss you, when teasing

The imaginary kids,

You put in my head

The wedding without a bride,

An empty row of your friends,

An empty row of your family,

An empty row of my things,

Flowers that smell like the past,

And stale drinks of which everyone brings

Drowning back to the past.

I can’t believe this happened.

Not to long ago I was

Meeting you indifferently sane

And later on as we were growing.

I raced for your number

And everyone said not to do it,

But I ignored every humbler.

Instead I got to you directly.

I got to a place called happy,

It was high in the sky,

I was on a cloud all preppy,

And you were on the other one

Talking away like you knew me.

Forever like it was,

Supposed to be.

But as I’ve been told,

What goes up must fall,

And me and you held on to each other

as we kept falling toward the big ball,

Of reality and depression.

A roller coaster

Without an end,

And a dead spider on your shoe,

That crept up and vanished ,

Along with my hands.

I could not hold you anymore

Because you cut my arms off and without rest,

You ripped my t-shirt off and

Buried your face in my chest.

Like a lost hope you tried once.

But once I saw the snakes in your hair

I pulled them off time and time again,

And you asked me why I was so unfair.

You wanted to keep your demons,

And I was just trying to help you lose

The feelings of hatred for me.

But it wasn’t only hate that pushed me when I was close

But also the hole you put me in,

Trying to close me off.

I climbed out of despair

And my heart jumped into my lungs, I coughed

Out the blood of your love and my knowledge,

That still kept me sane.

But I’m no good to you now,

So you threw my away.

You want me gone

And I guess I’m fine with it now.

But that’s a lie.

I’m lying to myself right now.

I want you and I need you,

But you don’t want me.

You don’t need me anymore

To tell you right from wrong, see

You grew up and changed in a day.

Now you’re an adult

And I am still the teen.

So blame me, its been my fault.

Early summer’s days that understand

How to start a war,

Yet our friends are so confused,

All they do is pick sides so far,

And you won’t let me on your side,

Not even use a gun you made for me.

Not even let me loan you bullets ,

Because I have the ammunition to be

Victorious but I don’t have the pipes

To beat that truth into you,

Cause I wouldn’t even if I could.

I don’t need to teach you,

Or even preach the bible anymore,

You trust your own intuition.

I trust what I’m told in between everything,

In between the lines of our constitution.

You used to always agree about what we need,

Now you make me be more specific, as you become vague,

Cause you don’t think it’s right

And yet whenever you know the truth

You don’t know any of it

Only when you think.

Wish I listened to that small truth.

Makes me feel like such a chink,

In everything you could have accomplished.

I want you to stop shooting missiles at me,

I’ve got only the gun my friends borrow.

I’ve shot only one bullet out the wrong barrel,

Other than that I’ve done nothing but listen in sorrow.

Can’t we settle this?

Can’t we agree on something?

Just like we used to when we fought over nothing,

Even though I’m still not used to biting

Into the truth we had back then.

But at least we had something better

Than nothing at all.

Nothing from nothing is nothing.

A math problem that I never observed

Until I looked closely at us.

I saw me, the pathetic shallow idiot trying to be himself,

And you, the girl that grew up to fast for her own good.

Nothing plus nothing makes me and you.

I remember when I had a dream about you and me.

I was holding your hand as we listened

To the music’s of all our favorite bands,

While we both walked around a house that

We discussed but we would never have,

The night and day after we had discussed our plan,

Our plate of food to which we eat the portions in the order

Which we wanted to do together, but now its just a sham.

After all this I still get wetter

From water balloons and tickets,

And cops and order of the law.

I still can’t believe I was blind

To the love you gave me, the only thing I saw.

But now I’m so used to being apart,

And its been to long,

By the time you want me back,

I’ll already be gone.

From this world and stepping into the next,

Into the world without you,

And yet you were all I needed,

I don’t need you anymore too.

Just try to stop me from doing it.

I’d stop even if you just said not to

I wouldn’t care if you didn’t mean it at all

All I would care about is that you

Simply took the time for me.

To actually feel even a little bit,

For what we were,

And what we can be,

And what we could have been, like myrrh

So beautiful and harmonious,

With the ups and downs,

But who decided your future?

You did because everyone forced you too, those clowns.

Not rebelling against the machine, saying no to me.

Even though in doing so, you’re

Taking everything back that you once meant,

Everything I held dear.

You told me you couldn’t imagine me not being there in your life at all,

Well that was the biggest lie of them all!

Just like a sports car left there, overturned on the street,

I’m always trying, but you won’t even call.

You said you could never hate me,

Look at yourself in the mirror

And say its not true.

But all you do is fill me with terror.

I don’t know what to say to you anymore,

I don’t even know where to go,

I don’t have anyone to turn to,

That’s a lie, I do,

But you won’t even listen to me anymore.

It’s more than halfway through.

Nope, actually it’s done.

Last summer’s days are too,

Close to be true,

Now my closet is full,

Of everything you ever meant to me,

And this poem is full of my side and

my views, won’t you reply?

Or are you speechless because you couldn’t find the words to say?

Yet when you loved me before,

You could always find what to say by the end of the day.

I still love you, no matter how mad, sad, or bad a person I am.

Guess that’s how I found the words,

To strike you down yet again,

Because all you do is listen to those words,

Which push me away and draw you in,

that’s why I lost you and what your lost to, those words.

You don’t want to hear what I say anymore

You’ll never read this all the way too.

That’s why I’ll cry every night,

And slit my wrist every day,

And wear jeans and clothes that hide my scars,

And wear cool t-shirts that say,

What my favorite band is and what they play.

If you could see me now,

Would you recognize me?

Of course you would try not too,

But would my face pop up again in your mind?

So uncontrollable to you?

But I guess if it did,

Then I wouldn’t need to keep writing my feelings,

Or tell my friends them.

I bring them down because of you.

They tell me not to be so depressing about you.

That’s why they stopped talking to me

And started talking to you instead,

Because you’re the one with the cheery smile on your face,

The fake one everyone can see through.

Unlike mine though, it can fool people for awhile,

That’s why you still have people to talk too

And why you are how I disappear,

Unnoticed by everyone and everything, and

Pretty soon you’ll think that I’m missing,

But you’ll ignore the feeling

Just like my feelings for you that you ignored unwavering.

Cause see, when I was a young boy,

My dad told me that the perfect girl will

Make you feel everything you never imagined you could feel,

Pain you never knew that could come out of it,

Emotions of trust that are so real

Yet you never can believe it so you question it.

Just like you when you question me whenever

I ask why and how and what?

With you I felt everything I could ever feel

I already changed, the change of accepting you as part of

My life, the shallow hole called my life,

Only my physical features have been edited, added or cut off.

If you could only see how I look,

The way you changed me,

On the outside,

Because on the inside I still have every emotion

Every one I’ve had for the past year.

And the special ones of regret for the past four months,

The ones that I ignore because they tell me you’re gone

From me, and everything that brought you to me, completely.

Now I cry because of my future,

Dry and forever lonely.

All through my life,

I’ll never be able to live free,

To keep my grades up,

Or even use my cell phone minutes, all trees

Will waste their paper on me,

And I’ll never be able to eat a waffle again,

Because I’ll try drowning it in syrup.

I’m only this way because of what happened,

I know I’m not the only victim,

But neither are so stop fooling me

And act normal back in Tristram, (Diablo 1 and 2)

Like we used to be.

But you don’t want to go back,

You told me to my face

All you want is me gone,

Or you just want me to change, like you did.

But how I could change the way I love you,

And the way I feel,

When I don’t want to experience every emotion I have,

Going through happy one moment,

And sadness the next,

But show the one true meaning that says it all:

Every emotion written in man’s text.

So what were the late night calls for?

Sneaking out when we were getting in trouble,

Finding excuses to help the other,

Now you’ve turned away on the double,

Running as fast as you could,

To what I tried to help you overcome.

What I didn’t want you’re mortal eyes to see is

That every relationship can be broken by one thing,

But every relationship is broken by only the people in them,

And the pin-less heart will shatter into a thousand pieces,

All because of the people in the relationship

That make both of us kill each other without noticing.

Wisdom was not the answer to our problem.

I’m sorry I wanted to trust them,

But now we’re apart because of wisdom’s beliefs,

Our mortification, the one I held fast too,

But the one that knocked you over on your feet.

You’ve made your choice of who you want to be,

And I just want you to know,

That I’m done trying to help or get to you in any way,

Its hopeless it is, just like me, no

Don’t tell me I’m not.

Would you even say it anymore?

I don’t want to change because if I do,

I might turn out like you,

And stop loving everything that I hold true.