stream of conciousness

today
is a useless repeat of yesterday
just in different clothes
with different food squishing around in my stomach
and I feel rather useless
my self confidence evaporated along with
the warmth conducting off his skin to mine
but it's absolutely ridiculous to be thinking of this
yet again
and though I know it'll always be there
in my mind
I'm not sure why I keep shoving it to the front
to the center of my thoughts
twisting and pulling
like taffy on a machine
only not as sweet
and much less alive with color
and I've noticed that since this all died
I've died too
and I move around the halls
like a zombie
brain functioning
limbs and joints active
but no pulse in my heart
no blood in my viens
just heavy air
wearing me down
wearing me out
and I have this need of sugar
thinking it will make me happy
make me interesting again for a minute
but it doesn't really
just distracts me more
and then I'll crash again
and lie in my bed
thinking but not
just lost in a haze of reality and fantasy
until the pounding bass in my ear may or may not be there
and I wonder when my life
will look up again
like it always does
just teasing me by dangling what I
want
and what I
need
and then pulling the string up higher
so I can't
reach it
can't jump up any higher
and of course no one is there to
lift me
and soon I lose my energy
and lie down
and give up
the ghost
that slips through my viens
giving the illusion of life
but not really there
at all.