trip.ready

funny how this day turned to shit. actually, it wasn't really funny.

fuck you guys. i would have stood up for you too, with equal passion and resolve.

i left the halls thinking i'd never return...
i'd give anything to be there now.
the sterile single bed
the tears flowing and have it be unnoticed.
the lockdowns and yahtzee and fabulous desserts.

please let the plane fly well.

that is my reason for living, you realize.

sometimes it is barely enough.

i look at the other path...

picture blood spatter on these walls,
on this monitor i stare at endlessly.
mixing with the smoke butts in the ashtray. 

i'm not there...just standing at the fork in the road with my thumb out prepared to go either way - but that changes every five minutes or so.

but i can't say i don't look. more often every day.

why must i always feel so worthless?

hell, i know why. why can't i let it go now?
if not now, when, for fuck's sake?
it still lingers
every day
every hour
with every attempt
with every moment of strength
she laughs at me

i make no impact, i matter not.
she told me so.

i am not special
nor would i be remembered in a few months.

but...maybe. maybe.
tear my heart out and see if it beats...
i think it might have stopped.

stop the deletion and towel throwing and going away that i so desire to do. i'd like to kill 'processor' right now.

i am seething...i feel like sleeping forever.
speaking is not always wise.

what do i say that wouldn't be held against me at a later date anyway?

and what do i do? i work. that's my entire bucket of worth right there? shit, they couldn't give a fuck less about me unless i'm not there. and i won't be.

not much longer...
and won't they be surprised.
fuck if i know why.

they should see it coming. they choose not to.