Cinderella: The TRUE Story

First part is disclaimed to Roald Dahl. The rest is...fairly original, hehe. This was for an English project...

Narrator:

I guess you think you know this story

You don’t. The real one’s much more gory.

The phoney one, the one you know,

Was cooked up years and years ago.

And made to sound all soft and sappy,

Just to keep the children happy.

Ugly Step-Sister 1:

Now we’re all jewelled and all,

We shall depart for the Palace Ball.

Ugly Step Sister 2:

And we’ll keep darling Cinderella

Locked up in her slimy cellar.

Cindy:

Help! Please, help! Let me out!

If you don’t I‘ll scream and shout.

Look at me! I’m full of FEAR!

Fairy Godmother:

Okay, what do you WANT? I’m here.

Cindy:

I want to go to the Palace Ball.

And meet my darling Princey Paul.

I want a dress, and a really tight corset.

If my stomach doesn’t fit, we’ll force it.

I want diamonds. Oh, and I mention,

I want really long hair extensions.

And silver slippers; two of those.

And sexy fishnet pantyhose.

Dressed up like that, I’m sure to sheen.

Fairy Godmother:

Fine. If you WANT to be a drag queen…

Narrator:

So Fairy G made a pumpkin coach.

And a horse out of a black cockroach.

Cindy looked kind of skanky, though.

Her slippers hid her ingrown toe.

Cindy:

I’m at the ball, oh how thrilling.

Ugly Step Sister 2:

Look! Our step-sis! She needs killing.

Ugly Step Sister 1:

What’s she wearing?! I want to smack her!

Ugly Step Sister 2

Let’s embarrass her…and dack her.

Narrator:

But before the uglies complete this idea.

The Prince pranced over, drinking beer.

Prince:

Heya, good-looking, wanna dance?

Ugly Step Sister 1

She was just LEAVING. Give ME a chance.

Narrator:

But Paul the Prince made up his mind.

‘Twas with Cinders he spent his time.

The only thing…who’d ‘a thunk?

The Prince was really, really drunk.

His pick-up lines were overused.

Even Cinders wasn’t amused.

Prince:

You and me baby

Ain’t nothing but mammals

So let’s do it like they do

On the discovery channel –

Ugly Step Sister 2:

That’s ENOUGH. This isn’t FAIR.

Ugly Step Sister 1:

She’s wearing GRANNIES UNDERWEAR!

Cindy:

Get lost, step-sis. He’s mine, you hear!

…Even if he is a little bit queer.

Narrator:

JUST THEN. The clock struck twelve. DONG!

Then the prince broke out in song.

Prince:

Don’t go, my fairest Cinderella…

Ugly Step Sister 2:

You’d want her to leave if you had to smell ‘er.

Narrator:

Cindy swore, and ran away.

Her shoe fell off in the disarray.

Prince Paul picked up the silver shoe.

He gave it a lustful whiff.

Prince:

Pe-yoo!

Yet I am in love. I must find

The woman who’s taken over my mind.

Narrator:

The Ugly Sisters, in their depression,

Made some other fool their new obsession.

Prince Paul went on his noble quest.

To see which foot fit the slipper the best.

Prince:

Oh, Cinderella, where for art thou?

I want you bad, I want you now.

Narrator:

The whole kingdom was addicted to Paul.

Coz he was just so hot, and all.

They came to fit their feet inside

The silver slipper.

Ugly Step Sister 1

It was WORTH a TRY.

Narrator:

When Princey Paul knocked her door,

Cinderella was an eyesore.

Prince:

Who the hell are you?

Narrator:

He cried.

Cindy:

I’m Cinderella!

Prince:

I’m TERRIFIED.

I can’t marry you. You’re ugly, girl!

Without your corset, you make he hurl.

Cindy:

You stupid man! I’m gorgeous, see?

I’m simply cute as I can be!

Narrator:

But Princey Paul was quite aghast.

His next action was very fast.

Prince:

Take THAT, you filthy, hideous thing!

Narrator:

And he gave his mighty sword a swing.

We don’t see this gory bit.

All you need to know, is Paul’s a git.

That homicidal maniac

Stood, standing after the attack,

Kinda depressed. He had no wife.

Prince:

My God. I feel like a lowlife.

Narrator:

JUST THEN, right there, out of the blue,

Fairy G arrived on cue.

And looking extremely destructive.

Fairy Godmother:

Hey Prince. I’m single. I’m so seductive.

Narrator:

Just overlook the fact that Paul enjoyed

To decapitate those whom he annoyed.

So ignoring Cinderella’s head,

Royalty and Fairy wed.

This play was weird. Get over it.

It really was a spazzy skit.

The moral is, and we must enforce it,

Never, EVER, wear a corset.