What A Bloody Tradegy

Memories are tenuous things,

A flicker of emotion,

A movie you can bend to your will,

But never truly becoming yours.

Some people are lucky enough,

To have plenty of happy memories.

But I,

I, have only bad.

All my memories,

Start with emotions,

And end with tragedy,

Especially this one.

He told me he loved me,

More than I could ever comprehend.

I didn’t understand his love then,

But I do now.

He had none for himself,

Only from his nanny, Mary Ann.

She fed him his need of touch,

His need to feel.

He thought of himself,

To teach me these ways.

But I would never give,

To his sick desires.

I thought he could change,

Forgive and forget,

And move toward the future,

With me.

But I was wrong.

His mind too screwed up.

A rat’s nest of guilt,

Too tangled, to make anew.

That awful night.

He made a call,

To me,

A death wish in mind.

“I swear to god,

If you don’t love me,

I’ll pull it.”

Fear in his voice convinced me otherwise.

“No, you won’t.

You couldn’t do it, you’re bluffing.”

A soft pitter patter of my heart,

Telling me to be worried.

His last words,

I will never, ever forget.

“I’ll always love you.

Even after what you’ve done to me.”

With his last breath,

He shoots us both.

Him, a gun to the head.

Me, a rip in my heart.

A cloud of guilt,

Looming over my very soul.

My knees weaken,

I can stand tall no more.

My will to live,

Gone.

Never to be heard of again,

Along with him.

My trusty razor,

A possession I go to.

Night after night,

To exhale my demons.

A shallow cut,

Just enough to let blood flow.

A trickle of the pressure,

Running down my arm.

This time, I’ll cut.

Deeper.

Longer.

Deadlier.

Maybe this time I’ll see,

The light of anew for me.

The sting of perfection,

The touch of him again.

I see him,

In my mind.

He looks happy and sad.

I wonder what’s so wrong.

His voice in my head tells me just that,

“You can’t come just yet,

You need to forgive and forget first.”

And then he’s gone, like dust in the wind.

I open my eyes to a white light,

Illuminating from the heavens.

No, why must you be so cruel,

Can I never have a wish come true?

“She’s stable.”

A man in white looms over me,

Checking my life span,

I hope it’s short.

Memories are tenuous things.

I can’t recall how I got there,

Or ever being in that hospital at all.

Just the one I’m staying in, for now.

A ten by ten confined cell,

Clean of all loss.

An environment,

To have no more accidents.

The one and only place for loonies,

Unable to live for themselves,

The suicidal and insane.

People, like me.