Trying to move on?

My greatest regret, pricks at my mind

Wishing, wanting, needing this change

But IMPOSSIBLE, I can’t look behind

And hope for a new destiny I can exchange

My mistake has cost me two years now

Of torturing pain, loosing your heart

How much more time will you allow

To not talk to me, I’m tearing apart

I switched schools last year, to escape my plague

So that I wouldn’t see your angry face

Now to me, that decision seems very vague.

Cuss you I now still want you to embrace

It’s been you, holding me back from dating

I still want to be with you, I push girls away

Thinking there’s still a chance from my waiting

And so every night I hope and pray.

I loved your eyes, so dark and blue

Your golden hair, dancing in the wind

I loved your voice, so calm and true

And the way you laughed, and grinned

You love water lilies, and also thunderstorms

You live in the country, what a great view

You loved your horses, of many forms

You were shy, but don’t worry, I was to.

We began a “relationship”, fun times

You made the happiest days of my life

Your mom, then started to see our “crimes”

So I had to ease off, thus ending my strife.

Once I told you, you understood, and went along

So we would just take things slow, seemed ok.

But I yelled those words that caused us wrong.

“I’m Single!” Gah! Now we were in disarray.

I was not thinking, of how it might hurt

I was hyper, and said it for fun.

Not knowing your friend was on the alert.

So everyday, I wish it was undone.

I was crushed to hear you found out.

Stupid stupid me! I was such a fool.

I was sorry, so you I started to scout.

But I saw your glare, I felt so cruel

Afterwards, you said you were alright

But I knew you weren’t, Alex, I’m so sorry.

Days; you were still disgusted by my site     

Weeks; no improvement, I began to worry.

And later in months I come to find

You seemed to moved on to a different guy

You talked about him, but acting blind

That you boasted in front of me, why?

And so I wrote…

“For Three years, I have been waiting for you,

Sweet sixteen, only four months away.

Through three winters gray, and three summer’s blue,

But you've fallen for someone else this May.

What hurts the most, was you not telling me.

Does this man know your favorite color is blue?

Does he know your favorite flower, water Lilly?

Does this guy have any idea, any clue?!

I can't bear to think of your dark blue eyes,

looking at him, the way you did at me.

Today I heard the news, my heart slowly dies,

we used to connect, as branches are to a tree.

I hope you are happy, I really do,

Versus the moments, with me and you...

 ...for three years, I waited...”

After awhile, the school year ended

And Mom moved us far far away

And that was nothing I really intended

But I thought the wooing would end that day.

Wrong, I still felt guilty again.

I want t go back, and try once more.

By luck we did, I’m home and then,

Saw you walk through my old school door.

And so I wrote…

“She was the glowing light in my darkness, illuminating her golden hair.
Even though I was hundreds of feet away, I could instantly tell it was her.
Shocked cold, clouded with painful thoughts, I just stood there
I could have fled, but staying there, isolated, is what I preferred

My  confused mind wanted me to go and say hi,
but my heart, scared,  froze me in place, it's for the best
I forgot the one devastating fact, that I’m no longer her guy.
I let her go, and yet again, I’m left here, depressed

I know now about what I regret the most that will haunt me everyday.
Hurting her, I was a careless young teenager, flirting away
How sorry I am, is indescribable, I would do anything for her.
Even if it means for me to stay away from her, forever.

In silent corners, I hide my tears, not revealing my weakness.
"why was I so stupid" I ask myself, day after day
my actions, I didn't mean to cause this bleakness
ever since then, my world turned sour and gray

What  if I didn't commit my life sentenced crime
What if I fixed your shattered heart
If only, I could actually travel back in time
to go back, all the way back where we start

We would be happy, cuddling, watching movies of some kind
embracing by the fireplace during the blistering winter storm,
perhaps, our fingers laced, and intertwined
comforting each other, hearts glowing warm  
So now what, my tormenting reality is actually "hell".
Her nukes of disappointment and hatred, pollute my mind.
I question blindly to her, "Is this our farewell?"
I don't want my feelings for her be declined

Over the long years, my heart, has sparked in pain.
That one time I saw her glare at me, my heart  burst, and fire rained.
So day after day, I live with this sickness, swallowing me whole.
My heart bursts into fire, my life, that's how it rolls.”

My year goes by, and I wrote to you

It was your birthday, I mentioned our times,

our silly truth or dare, what I’d thought true,

our promise to be together, cute times…

But that was middle school, this is now.

I asked your feelings, and for a call.

But after delivery, time I then allowed

For you to ring, but nothing to recall.

September…

October…

November…

January…

April…

July…

September, nothing, now you’re turning seventeen.

Your new birthday letter I then made,

My words this time, were not so keen,

So I asked for friendship instead for a trade.

A few days later I get a random phone call

Didn’t recognize the number, but I opened it.

It was Shana, a friend of yours, I stall

SHE tells ME your message, my lip I bit

SHE says you’re over me!

SHE says you doesn’t want to see me!

SHE says you don’t want to talk to me!

And SHE was the one that told me!

…I was calm, polite, and yet… at peace?

I didn’t breakdown, and hung up the phone.

I didn’t get it, nothing came for me to release.

Shocked, not sad, shocked to feel alone.

A month, and I’m a flirting with all the gals

Life seemed better, I felt… ok.

Didn’t get a girlfriend, still just pals.

But I was still holding back, single I stay.

I visit my old school again to see a friend

On the way out, I see you in your car,

BAM! All these hiding emotions started a trend.

I sped away, trying to escape my scar.

And so I write…

Those few nights, I realized this.

No more friendship…

No more chances

No more hope…

No more us…

Ever

And no more you,

No more will I see your true smile

No more will I see your blue eyes

No more will I talk to you

No more will I see you as a friend…

No more will I hear your voice

No more will I hear your laugh

Ever

No more fantasizing:

Your kiss

Sitting next to each other, watching thunderstorms.

Riding your horses in the open

Laying under the stars with you

Laughing together

EVER

Those few nights were pure pain.

But were then replaced by acceptance.

Now the awful feelings are gone, something rains

Positive emotions that release me from my trance.

No more dwelling

No more waiting

No more depression

No more avoidance

But now there are more opportunities…

I’m moving on