Chuck Norries Jokes

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

An anagram for Walker Texas Ranger is KARATE WRANGLER SEX. I don't know what that is, but it sounds AWESOME.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around him

Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition. 

Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.

Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.

Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.

As a teen, Chuck Norris had sex with every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

That's not Chuck Norris doing push-ups -- that's Chuck Norris moving the Earth away from the path of a deadly asteroid.

Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

When God said, "let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say 'please'."

One day Chuck Norris walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.

Noah was drinking with Chuck Norris when Norris told him he was going to take a piss. Noah built the Arc as fast as possible.

July 4th is Independence day. And the day Chuck Norris was born. Coincidence? i think not.

Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant, and the steak did what it was told.

Think of a hot woman. Chuck Norris did her.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"

Chuck Norris' dick is so big, it has it's own dick, and that dick is still bigger than yours.

Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one ever asked why.

When Chuck Norris was born, he immediately had sex with the first nurse he saw. That was the third woman he ever slept with.

Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.

Chuck Norris did not "lose" his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice.

Chuck Norris needs a monkeywrench and a blowtorch to masturbate.

Chuck Norris neither melts in your mouth nor in your hand. He shreds your trachea before ravaging your soul with a combination of chocolate, whickey, roundhouse kicks and death. Oh, and pain. Lots of pain.

When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING .

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.