Blowjob Etiquette

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

2. Extension to rule # 1... So, if you get one, be grateful.

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn you watched, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.

4. Exrension to rule # 3... No, I DON'T have to swallow.

5. My ears are not handles.

6. Extension to rule # 5... Do not push on the top of my head, Do you really want puke on your dick?

7. I don't care how relaxed you get, it is NEVER ok to fart.

8. Having my period doesn't mean it's "Hummer Week", get it through your head, - I'm bloated and I feel like shit , so no, I don't feel obligated to blow you just because WE can't have sex right now.

9. Extension to rule # 8... "BLUE BALLS" might work on high school girls--if you're that desperate, go jack off and leave me alone with my midol.

10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just ruined it for you.

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my performance to be repeated in the future.

12. If you like how we do it it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. Refer back to rule # 2 about gratitude.

13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.

14. No, I will not DO IT while you watch t.v.

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blowjobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to sympathize or brag.

16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up it doesn't mean I have to "kiss it good morning".